Creating Change

As we grow in life, so our relationships change.
What happens when one person decides to change?

Before we answer that question let's look at the basis for asking it.
In any relationship, especially our life partner relationship, there are a set of rules or expectations that have been set up, usually without even knowing it.

How do we go about discovering those rules or expectations?
Look at your behavior and your words. Here are some examples of the things you may say/do that will give you a hint of an unwritten rule/expectation.

1. If you find yourself saying/thinking "You always/never..."
2. If you find you're the one always 'doing everything'...
3. Conversely if you are the one reading the paper/watching TV while your partner is 'busy'...
4. Who cleans the house, does the home maintenance, cooks dinner, does the shopping, pays the bills, remembers birthdays, calls the relatives, laundry, yard work...?
5. Who instigates discussions?
6. Who is the one to arrange vacations, childcare, keep the calendar...?

Add your own ideas to this list and then see what great reasons your mind comes up with for why this is the way it is...and who you want to blame!

So here we have 'the way things are' and one person decides that they are tired of being the one to do this and it's time for a change, which brings us back to the question ' what happens when one person decides to change?' What would be the normal course of action? Most people would respond that, well, talking it over with your partner would be a great place to start...and it is. However, your partner may not be quite on the same page...no matter how reasonable your argument, because they have not yet decided that a change is necessary.
What I usually recommend at this point is that you step back from the change at hand. In general, it's NOT ABOUT the laundry, paying bills, cleaning, yard work... It's about one person not really enjoying the unwritten rule that they do the particular task being discussed, or they're feeling unappreciated for all they do, or they're feeling it's not fair that they get to 'do it all' (from their perspective).

It is really important to get to the 'why' of change and creating dialog around that before leaping in with changing the way things are - the results are longer lasting and more harmonious, leading to a happier, more fulfilled life.

Enjoy your partnership.

Comments

[Karly Pitman]

Thank you for this insightful post. Change, in the context of a relationship, is often about just what you described: rewriting the "contract," the unwritten rules that define who does what, or even what a "loving" relationship looks like. I'm grateful for your wisdom.